For the past 2 days, I have this christmassy song from Michael Jackson that I can’t stop thinking about: “In our small way”. I have no specific word, I just have the music. So I decide to listen to it and what it says is quite clear. Whatever you do, even if it’s not great just do a little bit each day and that should be enough. Well, I didn’t to hear it like that.
It happened again. Being so stressed about my project that I wanted to stop. Only this time I didn’t notice it.
I’m waking up very early, with 4 hours sleep (3 days in a row), but this time, even though I feel that I have the physical energy to work as hard as the previous day. I just don’t feel it. I actually feel like my mind wants me to stop. I stay there watching bullshit on the computer instead of meditating and the feeling gets worst.
I don’t want to meditate because for the past 2 days it has been very uncomfortable. My solar plexus woke up 3 days ago in a beautiful way, but for the past 2 days it’s quite painful.
I even start a 30min to an hour of my addictive behavior. And I don’t see the pattern. I’m so drawn to it that I don’t see why it happens. Finally I stop, because I made a commitment to myself, that is stronger than my addictive behavior…
My girlfriend end up calling me, for the 15-30 first minutes of our call I don’t talk about it, but I just can’t. I feel bad, and I feel bad feeling bad while talking to her. I tell her and then she just opens up my mind. She gets it and explain to me everything that has happened.
Once again, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I changed my schedule and plans so my fear of losing would get feed by my intensive hard work. Funny enough, I thought it would take me 2 weeks to do this project, and within those 2 days, I did A LOT! Of course it’s not finish but, it’s way more advanced that I would have thought. So when she told me all this and I could recognize what I did, I realized that I was, once again, running after something I already have. I have the skills, I know I can do it. But I put an excessive amount of pressure that I can’t handle. And this, for no obvious reason. What’s logic is that at some point, I was fearing of not doing in time and I locked into the fear-based energy.
If we relate this to the solar plexus chakra, as my girlfriend puts it: I was giving away my power by not believing in me. I was letting myself feel pressure because if I didn’t do it, I would let down people (that don’t even know that I’m going to do…). So weird.
Right after she tells me, I feel the urge of doing. This urge was there from waking up, however this time it isn’t blocked by my mind. I start opening the code editor and then I feel relief of what is done. Then, within a minute I feel a huge amount of fatigue. Physical one. And there, I’m at peace. I’ve done enough, and I need to get more sleep. So I get back to sleep for 2 more hours.
I’m waking up and I just know I need to write this. And then, I’m working back at it. My routine is more important: Meditation, Writing and Sport. I need all 3 every day.
The mind (ego) knows us more than we know each other. The ego is not all wrong and dirty. It has several voices that I need to listen fully. Here, it was protecting me because I didn’t listen to the signs (spirit). I saw the signs and ignore them blatantly. Therefore my mind took over saying: “Oh you didn’t hear, it’s getting dangerous. So I have to step in”.